Love Means Wanting to Say You're Sorry

Valentine's Day is coming up soon and love is on the mind of many. From red greeting cards and balloons to boxes of chocolates and bouquets of roses, expressions of love are being marketed as tangible goods to be bought. In healthy relationships, love is shown in a multitude of ways in addition to thoughtful gifts.

Love Means Wanting to Say You're Sorry

The 1970 movie Love Story still has cultural significance decades later. Today the famous line "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is quoted and adapted to cover all manner of transgressions. For those of you too young to have seen the original movie, here's a quick synopsis:

In the movie, the characters Jenny and Oliver are friends with vastly different socioeconomic backgrounds who fall in love to the dismay of Oliver's wealthy parents. When Oliver is disowned for choosing Jenny over his wealth and status, the couple begins to build their life together. After a big fight, Jenny says "Love means never having to say you're sorry" to Oliver when he tries apologizing for his anger.

Jenny and Oliver's relationship is not an ideal representation of a healthy marriage and it's not meant to be. Off the silver screen, relationships are complicated and full of personal idiosyncrasies. With my clients, the focus is on improving leadership skills in a business setting. Showing leadership at home and in our personal lives is as important as becoming a stronger leader at work.

This Valentine's Day you can show love at home and at the office by practicing these habits:

• Active Listening A person feels loved when they feel valued. Actively listening to someone when they are speaking is vital to deepening a relationship. In business, active listening can give you added insight into the needs and wants of your customer. In life, active listening does the same for your loved one, whether family member, friend, or spouse.
• Develop Empathy Flex your Emotional Intelligence muscle and focus on understanding the emotions and motivations of those around you. Consider the situation from their point of view and try to respond in a loving way. Empathy does not mean agreeing on everything; it means validating the other person's feelings and making their voice feel heard.
• Apologize Wanting to say you are sorry is a big step toward taking accountability for your actions. If you have hurt someone, an employee, spouse or partner, you need to make amends. When you make a mistake, set aside your ego and acknowledge the severity of your mistake and how it has impacted those around you. Share a sincere apology for the problem and together make a plan for how to move forward.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, dear readers. I hope that the holiday finds you sharing love and feeling loved. Thank you for reading.

Bonus: Do you know that Love Story has the line "Love means never having to say you're sorry" once again in the film? You will have to watch the movie to find it. No spoilers here.

Happy February - Feel The Love

Happy February!

January can be a tough month for relationships. At work and at home, you are recovering from the holidays and may not give the time or attention you usually do to cultivating those connections. And no matter your political party, the tensions and changes in the past weeks have negative emotions running high. Whether or not you're "in love" or in a romantic relationship, it's a good time to think about how you share the love in your daily life.

Show yourself some affection. Yes, self-care is as important as caring for others. How do you show yourself love on a daily basis? Do you start your day with a walk? A chat with a friend? Set aside time to be creative? Do you make a point to use positive self-talk when describing yourself and your projects? Pick one and give it a try. Let's get intentional about showing ourselves some love.

Show others gratitude and appreciation. Love is expressed in many ways. Being present in your relationships is in and of itself an expression of love. Research shows that good marriages include regular expressions of gratitude. A simple "thank you" can make a huge difference. We recently visited our niece and her husband in their new home to meet their new baby. I was impressed by how they thanked each other for changing a diaper, fixing a bottle, checking the baby monitor. Don't forget to do the same for the little and big things your partner or friends do for you. Let's not take each other for granted.

Appreciation and acknowledgment are also keys to happier, more engaged employees. Do you have a gratitude or recognition plan in your department? Think about how you show your team appreciation.

It's always good to be thankful in your relationships, whether personal or professional.

So dear readers, thank you for reading and being engaged members of this community. I do appreciate it!

As an added treat, enjoy this beautiful intention of love from my friend and Nia dance instructor, Kate Nash.

With love,

Gloria

Authenticity Unabridged at TEDx Camarillo 2017

What does it mean to be authentic? Georg Winkler,  founder and organizer of TEDx Camarillo, says that the authentic version of your self is the unabridged version. Winkler, Business Coordinator of the Russell Fischer Business Collection at the City of Camarillo Public Library, said “By default, and regardless of our best intentions, we experience an abridged version of our world. My goal for TEDxCamarillo was to share the ‘Unabridged’ version.” As a TEDx talker myself, I was delighted to be one of the Emcees for this year's TEDx Camarillo: Unabridged. The venue of the Camarillo Public Library was perfect for the theme as the home to several unabridged tomes and collections that visitors can enjoy. Friends of the Camarillo Library and a host of community volunteers have made this event possible.

This year's attendees heard remarkable live speakers and TED Talk videos. Speakers ranged from psychologists to hearing impaired advocates, CEO’s, and recent college graduates. The unabridged truths from speakers Andros Sturgeon, Cindy Liu, Elizabeth Chapin, Julie Merrick, Linnae Mallette, Mike Williams, Robert Duff, Sarah Khan, and Dr. Stephen Trudeau were enlightening and inspiring.

I can't wait to share the links to their amazing talks when they are released.

Sharing the whole of yourself in front of a large live audience and a larger online audience takes a lot of courage. Speaking up about your beliefs and sharing your experiences is a wonderful way to share the love.  As we rapidly approach Valentine's Day, how can you best show your true self and share the love in your community?

Where Do You Find Inspiration?

What inspires you? 

Nature? Music? Art? Architecture? 

 

As a leader, it's important to stay inspired and motivated. 

Where do you find inspiration? 

Above are just a few things I've recently found inspiring - a picture my daughter captured of a bee on a flower at a botanical garden; the amazing choir at the University of Utah; poolside desert landscape at a conference in Palm Springs (I'm actually here right now); a fun paint night with my husband (those are two separate paintings that make one - sweet, right?); or even an ornately detailed, 100 year old wooden ceiling in a gorgeous retreat house in Santa Barbara.

I'm also endlessly inspired by others. It's why I love my job so much! Seeing people grow, face their fears, work hard to reach a goal, help others just because.

The possibilities are endless if you're paying attention. When were you last inspired? Chime in with a comment and share an inspiring moment you've had recently.

5 Tips to Keep on Track

 How's the New Year going for you? Here are a few tips to keep you on track this year.

1. Make SMART goals.

If you're familiar with goal setting, you know that SMART goals are Specific, Manageable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-bound. I like to switch that up and make the T Thrilling.

2. Keep giving.

Are you a community volunteer? What are your favorite causes to give your time, talent and treasure? Doing good feels good, and research shows that altruism is good for us an the people we are helping. If you are volunteering with an organization keep doing that. See where else you can give back.

3. Partner up.

You cannot succeed by yourself. Well, maybe you can, but it's a lot harder than when you have support from staff or a coach or your family. Since I've hired someone, I'm definitely more productive and accountable!  Make sure to spend time building your team.

4. Practice self-care.

As a busy entrepreneur and business leader, you can let our own needs be ignored. As they say, "You can't pour from an empty cup," so make sure you put some time into your schedule for you! A quick break during a hectic day can make a big difference. Get up from your desk, taking a short walk or a few breaths for a quick pick me up. How about tapping into your creativity with painting or writing? Getting more exercise? spending time with the people you love?

5. Keep learning.

The most successful leaders are lifelong learners, so keep at it! My dad got his Ph.D. at age 62, and was always studying something. My mom was a teacher and also valued education. No matter your values, you can't be at the top of your game without continued learning. Whether it's formal CEUs or blog posts on new developments in your field, continue to challenge yourself and your mind with new learning opportunities. As a trainer, I'm always learning new things and love passing them along to others. Check our calendar for upcoming events.

What tips would you add to make 2016 a ridiculously good year?

Thirteen Thoughts for High School Graduates Heading to College

It's graduation season, and this year we've got a high school graduate in the house. It's been a big celebration with lots of excitement about new beginnings and anticipating attending the University of Utah in the fall. Of course we want her to be as prepared as possible, so we've been looking for resources to help her on her way.

What's one piece of advice you'd give to a young adult heading to college?

At a recent meeting, I asked the question of the Camarillo Chamber of Commerce Ambassadors, a group of outgoing, seasoned business people, who shared some excellent ideas for soon to be college Freshmen:

1. Try new things. When you go to college, you are presented with opportunities to take classes with people who are experts in their fields. Yes, you'll get specialized in your major, but make sure you get a chance to study something new and interesting that expands your horizons: Astronomy, Robotics, Anatomy, Comparative Religion, Art History, even Statistics!! Or look for classes like these at your school for some really thought-provoking coursework.

Of course this suggestion to "try new things" got a laugh from the group, since college students try all kinds of new things. So when you do, and we know you will, be responsible and sensible. You know what's right and wrong.  15 people partying on a small balcony is never a good idea. Nor is drinking until you pass out or throw up.  By all means, go out, experiment and have fun, but consider the consequences of all your actions.

So let me climb off my soapbox and paraphrase Mark Twain,

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do....Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch winds in your sails. Explore Dream."

2. Just show up. When you go to college, you'll have freedoms you've never imagined. No one calls home to tell your parents you missed class, so it can be tempting to blow it off, read the book, borrow a friend's notes and hope for the best. You might pass, but you're missing out on the richness of the college experience, learning from an expert in the field and interactions with others. Just do it!

3. Keep an open mind. You just graduated, and you already have some pretty set beliefs about politics, the environment, religion, music. You have friends with different beliefs, but  you'll encounter an even wider range of perspectives in college. Keep your mind open to possibilities.

4. Embrace the next chapter of your life with positivity. Attitude is everything, and a positive attitude will get you far. Follow your dreams!!

5. Get involved and get to know people. It's never too early to start building your network (you already have begun), so join some different groups, expand your social circles, get to know your professors (use those office hours!!), your RAs and TAs and that kid down the hall with the big hair. And don't forget to set up your LinkedIn profile.

6. Always have a Plan A and Plan B. You may dream of being a prima ballerina with the American Ballet Theatre, and it's awesome to follow your dreams in a single-minded way. However, you've probably already noticed that life doesn't always end up how you expect. Keep doing what you love while considering different options for how to apply it (business manager of a dance company, dance teacher, marketing director for a theatre). You never know where you'll end up.

7. Don't worry. If you take Psych 101, you'll learn there's an optimal level of anxiety that helps you work at your best (aka the Yerkes-Dodson Law). But constant worrying doesn't fall in the zone. Be grateful for every experience and let go of anxiety and worry (you may learn more about how to do that in Psych 201...). Take advantage of the gym, deep breathing and meditation for stress relief.

8. Question popular culture. I hope you already know that just because everyone else is doing it, you don't have to. Question the trends to see what's right for you.

9. Keep volunteering. For the last 4 years (hopefully more), you've been counting up your volunteer hours so you can fill in the blanks on your college apps and show the admissions folks that you're a community service maven. Nice work! You know that giving back feels great, so why stop now? No one's counting any more, but that doesn't mean your efforts don't matter. Find places and causes that are important to you and keep giving of your time and talents, which are treasures. The world needs you.

10. Be true to yourself, especially when your values are challenged. You're still growing and evolving and finding out who you are (that never stops, by the way, it just changes). But you also have a pretty good sense of what's important to you. Your values will be challenged. Question and decide on what's right for you.

11. Take advantage of internship opportunities. While you're learning, meeting new people and growing, you'll want a place to apply those skills. Getting an internship, either between semesters or while you're in school, can be an excellent way to get experience in your field, see what it's like to work in an environment that interests you, and keep building your professional network.

12. Use your strengths. You know those things that you're really good at and love to do?  Those are your strengths, and hopefully your major reflects them. But even in courses and experiences not in your major, make sure to use your strengths.  Are you analytical? Empathic? Strategic? Responsible? Pay attention to the activities, information and relationships that get you most excited. That's a clue to where you'll shine.

13. Ask for help. As the years go by, you have become more and more independent. But that doesn't mean you have to go it alone. Reach out to others, use the resources available to you on campus and off, and run things by your trusted friends and advisers to get input from other sources.

Heard the expression "Two heads are better than one?" Well, it's true for 2, 4 or even 10. That's how I wrote this blog post after all....

One more quote to inspire you:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." -Henry David Thoreau

Do you have any advice to add? Share in the comments below.

And here's our high school graduate!

Gloria M. Miele, Ph.D. is a trainer, speaker and executive coach who uses a strengths-based approach to help individuals, groups and organizations achieve their goals and realize their greatest success. Sign up for more resources and updates by entering your email above and receive a free strengths-based goal setting e-workbook. Connect with us on Facebook and Twitter for even more motivating and inspiring resources to become a stronger, more confident leader.

The Positive Post-It Project

You're walking through a crowded park on a beautiful spring evening, and a young women comes up to you with a smile and says, "I want you to have this." She hands you a large post-it note that says, "You're great." What would you do? Say? Think? This happened to me the other day in Washington Square Park in NYC. I was a little taken aback but when I saw what it was and the smile on her face, I said, "You're great too!" She walked away toward a group of people holding large poster boards. I had to find out what was up.

She was participating in an NYU student psychology project called #positiviepostitproject (yes, hashtag and all).

These students were in a class learning about positive psychology (WHAT?) and trying to put it into practice by giving a post-it with positive message to passersby and asking them to pass it along to someone else  in the park to see what the effect was.

Of course I was "in," and convinced my friend to do the same. I picked one that said  "You're Awesome. Rock on," so I decided to give it to someone I saw with a guitar on his back. I tapped him on the shoulder and handed him the note. He stood there for a long time looking at it but didn't turn back to me or say anything.

Ok. Not what I was expecting. But it's a stranger in a park in NY. You never know what to expect.

On the other hand, my friend gave his to a couple who loved it. I looked over at them and they were smiling broadly, clearly tickled by this positive message from a stranger.

I also was tickled by the idea, the students and that they were learning about positive psychology, a topic near and dear to my heart!

So if you're not familiar, here are a few facts about positivity from the book of the same name by Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist who has devoted her career to understanding the effect of positive emotions.

• Positivity feels good. I loved getting the “You’re Great” post-it, and the couple in the park loved their positive message.  Simple but true, positivity feels good.
• Positivity changes how your mind works.  Do you think differently when you’re in a good mood? Numerous studies have found that a positive mental state results in more creativity, attentiveness, open-mindedness and expanded thinking.  Those are powerful results. Definitely worth the effort and focus on a more positive attitude.
• Positivity transforms your future. When it comes to positivity, the effects go beyond the mental benefits.  Researchers at University of Pittsburgh looked at rates of death and chronic health conditions among participants of the Women's Health Initiative study, which has followed more than 100,000 women ages 50 and over since 1994.  Women who were optimistic - those who expeced good rather than bad things to happen -  were 14 percent less likely to die from any cause than pessimists and 30 percent less likely to die from heart disease after eight years of follow up in the study. Optimists also were less likely to have high blood pressure, diabetes or smoke cigarettes.
• Positivity puts the brakes on negativity. Think about it. When you’re in a good mood, you close out the negative. It’s like there’s no room for that when you’re focused on what’s going well.
• Positivity obeys a tipping point. Fredrickson’s research has also shown that there’s an optimal ratio of positive to negative emotions in order to experience true happiness:  3 positive emotions to 1 negative emotion.  This is not a Pollyannish view of the world.  Her model accounts for the naturally occurring negativity in all our lives but focuses on the need to skew toward the positive. People with this 3:1 ratio experience more happiness and life satisfaction. Good stuff!
• You can increase your positivity. There are lots of ways to do so. Go for a walk. Enjoy nature. Play with a puppy. Look at pictures of kittens. Spend time with someone you love. Focus on what you’re grateful for. Compliment someone or give them a positive post-it! Focus on your strengths and successes. You get the idea.

How will you boost your positivity ratio? Let us know below! You can also search the #positivepostitproject on Instagram and see what those crazy kids are up to!