Mindfulness

Self-care or Millennial Narcissism?

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Our local university has a new president, the second in the school’s history, so this is a big deal! She has inherited an outstanding legacy left by the first president. Now it’s her turn to make it her own.

She’s a high profile leader with an exciting and demanding new job. She’s getting to know her community, and we’re getting to know her. She’s been connecting with students, faculty and staff in various ways. She clearly has a lot to attend to. Imagine the learning curve!!

The media and the university have been reporting on her first few months as everyone gets to know her. Of course the media coverage includes some personal interest stories. One was a feature article in the “Outdoors” section of the local paper that highlights people in the community and how they take advantage of the beautiful place we live. Totally appropriate.

I thought it was a great piece that told a brief story of how she makes time for her family, herself and her work by getting outside in Ventura County: hiking, surfing and even doing yoga.

I was delighted to learn how she prioritizes time to recharge and focus on self-care.

How cool!

I decided to look at the comments on the article, and I was shocked. Instead of giving kudos to this local leader, the comments were pretty harsh. “She should be doing her job, not doing yoga.” “Who cares about what she does in her free time?” “What is she doing for the students?”

WHAT?

Internet trolls

The criticism around self-care was staggering. Why shouldn’t she take care of herself? Enjoy her surroundings? Play with her kids? Surf with the students? I’m sure she’s working hard. This article was about how she gets outside.

I couldn’t bite my tongue. Here’s the thread:

self-care

 

 

 

 

Self-aggrandizing, millennial narcissism?  Wow.

Is this what people think about self-care?

No wonder we run ourselves into the ground.

Trolls Don’t Exist ONLY on the Internet

We can also have “internet trolls” in our heads.

I’ve heard it from my clients. I can’t take care of myself. I don’t have the time. I have too much to do. It’s selfish. I have to take care of ([PERSON] [TASK] [EVERYTHING OTHER THAN SELF]).

I do it myself. I schedule time into my day and week to regroup, recharge and take care of me. And I advise my clients to do the same.

That’s not lazy, self-absorbed, narcissism. It’s biology. The body needs down time to recover, all the way to regenerating the neurotransmitters in the brain. Ironically (or not), CSUCI faculty is studying self-care in nurses. Research shows nurses with better self-care deliver better care to others and are less apt to develop compassion fatigue and burnout.

Those are powerful results.

Because if you're taking care of body, mind and spirit, you are not bad or selfish. You are keeping your cup full.

Because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Dr. Erika Beck has a lot of pouring to do as a new university President. I’m glad to know she’s keeping her cup full.

How do you make time for self-care? How do you address the internet trolls in your head?

Where Do You Find Inspiration?

What inspires you? 

Nature? Music? Art? Architecture? 

 Inspiration

As a leader, it's important to stay inspired and motivated. 

Where do you find inspiration? 
Above are just a few things I've recently found inspiring - a picture my daughter captured of a bee on a flower at a botanical garden; the amazing choir at the University of Utah; poolside desert landscape at a conference in Palm Springs (I'm actually here right now); a fun paint night with my husband (those are two separate paintings that make one - sweet, right?); or even an ornately detailed, 100 year old wooden ceiling in a gorgeous retreat house in Santa Barbara.
I'm also endlessly inspired by others. It's why I love my job so much! Seeing people grow, face their fears, work hard to reach a goal, help others just because.
The possibilities are endless if you're paying attention. When were you last inspired? Chime in with a comment and share an inspiring moment you've had recently.
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Don’t Bring a Briefcase to a Ski Resort (or Lessons in Living in the Moment)

I am not a skier. I have never skied. I grew up in sunny Southern California, and despite being only 2 hours from ski resorts where many of my friends flocked to in the winter, my parents were transplanted New Yorkers who didn’t do the outdoor thing. The closest I’ve come to mountain recreation is riding the chair lift to the top of the mountain in the fall at Hunter Mountain in the Catskills. We would go for Oktoberfest. No snow-just beer, polka and autumn leaves.

So when our daughter decided to go to college in Utah, we figured it would be the perfect opportunity for her to try skiing – without us! The U has an amazing outdoor program with discount rentals and ski outings that we encouraged her to take advantage of. How great! She’d get to ski and we wouldn’t have to deal with anything but the cost.

But her first year was hard and busy and she didn’t have time or energy to explore the options before her. So when I was planning to come out to spend a couple of weeks to support her through a rough patch, she asked if I’d take her skiing. Uh, ok.

Obviously the ship has sailed for me to try this sport that’s hard on the knees and ankles. Hurling myself down an icy slope on long planks is NOT my idea of a good time. I’m clumsy enough to fall when walking through a parking lot, no less engaging in a dangerous winter sport.

I arranged for an afternoon lesson for her, complete with equipment and lift ticket. She was so excited!

My plan was to stay in the lodge, watching her and working on some writing projects. I’d been traveling for work for weeks and trying to fit in time to work on our upcoming retreat, Find Your Voice, whenever I could. This seemed like a great opportunity for some down time to get some work done.

My first surprise was parking at the bottom of the hill and taking the Cabriolet lift to the mountain base. The “Cab” was basically an open bucket to stand in that takes you to the mountain base.

How cool!

Actually, cold, especially because I was woefully prepared, with no hat or gloves. I had a cotton scarf and a faux fur headband. I’d be fine! I like the cold, and this was an adventure.

The thing I was most prepared for was work, as I schlepped my canvas briefcase with computer, a couple of books, a water bottle and snacks. I was conspicuously lacking the equipment everyone else had with them. Oh well.

But when we got there, I found out that her lesson was up the mountain (did I mention I have zero experience with skiing or ski resorts?) and I’d be hanging out below. She got on the gondola with the instructor and another student, and off they went.

The gal scanning passes told me I could go up and watch from the upper lodge. Seemed like a good idea.

I got my pass and up I went in an enclosed gondola this time (yay!) with a young woman ready to snow board. As the gondola climbed, it started to snow. And snow harder. Again prepared only with my headband and briefcase, I was wondering what it would be like at the top.

Why was I surprised that there was snow everywhere and no path to walk safely to the lodge? I carefully made my way across the snow pack, with skiers whooshing by. Luckily I was wearing some sturdy boots with good traction (borrowed) and made it in, upright and unscathed.

The place was PACKED with skiers resting, eating, drinking. I wondered if it was a good idea to drink a beer then head back to the slopes!

Little kids were sleeping sitting upright. There were lots of families, couples and folks ranging in age from 5 to 75. I saw where the lessons were taking place and spotted my daughter. Cool! Now I just needed to find a window spot where I could settle in to watch and get some work done.

I soon realized that work wasn’t going to happen. When my daughter was out of view, I was too fascinated with all the people dressed in their bulky, awkward clothes, dealing with the skis, the cold, the equipment. I watched the people in the snow board lesson struggling to stand up, compared to the more experienced skiers effortlessly gliding down the hill.  It was one of those “to each his own” life lessons and left me thinking, “One man’s pain is another man’s pleasure.

I actually started to appreciate how this was thrilling for so many. The snow would come down hard, then clear in a moment’s notice. It was really beautiful. I could see the allure of being outside in such a gorgeous place, speeding down a mountain.

I also appreciated seeing my daughter head up a ski lift for the first time and spotting her about 20 minutes later skiing down the hill. She was on her feet and had a big smile on her face. Off they went, back to the chair lift.

View from the lodge

I walked outside and stood there, briefcase over my shoulder, waiting for them to come back. At this point, it was snowing pretty hard again, but I was getting used to the drill, watching for speeding skiers, sweeping the accumulating snow off my briefcase (at least my water stayed cold!).

After she took one more run, all by herself this time, the slopes were closing, so we headed back down the mountain in the enclosed gondola. She had an amazing time, fell in love with the sport and did really well.  The snow continued to pick up as we descended.

After she returned her equipment, it was time to get back to the car. She was carrying helmet, goggles, ski pants.

I was still clutching my briefcase, which by this time was covered in snow.

Back to the Cabriolet, this time down the mountain in a pelting snow squall.

My daughter and I riding the Cabriolet in a snowstorm

When we got back to the car and I shook the glaze of snow from my head, I also shook my head at myself for trying to do too much instead of just enjoying the moment.

I ended up loving the experience but didn’t need the literal baggage I took with me.

It was a lesson in not overextending. Just staying in the moment, unplugging and enjoying my surroundings.

It’s also one of the reasons we are offering the Find Your Voice Women’s Writing and Leadership Retreat. I know I’m not the only one who’s schlepped work somewhere to try to multitask when what I really needed was to unplug, unwind and reflect.

We are providing a weekend of writing, leadership development, yoga breaks, healthy foods and connection with a group of like-minded women in a beautiful, supportive setting in Ojai, CA May 13-15.

Want to know more? Click here for all the details.

3 Simple Mindfulness Practices

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Do you have a mindfulness practice? Are you familiar with the concept? Mindfulness is a set of techniques to draw your focus to the present moment. Research is showing more and more benefits of living a mindful life, including increased focus and concentration, a greater sense of well-being and happiness and much more.

While these practices are simple, they are not always easy. In our distracted, multi-tasking lives, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and overextended. Being more mindful can ease that burden. The more you integrate these into your day, the easier it will be for you to get in a more relaxed state. That's why they call it practice!

Whether you're a beginner or a more seasoned practitioner, here are three techniques to get you started.

1. Deep breathing. Some people get cranky when you tell them to "just breathe." It seems dismissive and disrespectful. But breathing is the most efficient and convenient mindfulness practice to reduce stress, decrease your heart rate and calm your mind.

Sit up in your chair with both feet on the floor and your hands resting on your legs or at your side. Breathe in and out of your nose, if possible. Pay attention to your breathing. Count the length of your inhale and exhale. Try to get each to a count of 5. Aim to take about 6 full breaths per minute. You may need to work up to this. (That's why they call it practice).

For an added boost, put your hand over your heart as you breathe, which releases the feel-good, love hormone, oxytocin. Isn't that amazing?

2. Focused attention. Building on deep breathing, you can use your breath to practice being more focused. Using focused attention can be restorative, calming and stabilizing, especially in times of stress.
Focus your full attention on the process of breathing. As you inhale, notice the cool, dry air entering your nostrils; as you exhale, notice the warm, moist air exiting. If your thoughts wander, gently but firmly bring your attention back to the breath.

Practice this for 2 minutes. Work up to 5, 10 or more!

3. Mindful Listening. Many of the conversations we have are filled with distractions. Cell phones, TVs, reactions to what the person is saying, thinking about the next thing you're supposed to be doing.

The next time you talk to someone, try to really listen. Hear every word. Listen to what's being said and how. Show you're listening through eye contact and facial expressions instead of words. See what happens when you start listening with undivided, non-judgmental attention.

Which of these 3 practices resonate for you? Try them every day and see if you notice a difference in your mood, your thoughts, your focus, or attention.

Do you have a mindfulness practice? Leave a comment to share yours, ask questions or just let us know how it's going.

Enjoy!